So. Ron and I have been together for fourteen months today. This is the longest I have been with anyone since high school. It feels good to know that I can be with someone long term again.

Been looking through some of my old art projects and pictures that I've taken and I've decided I really want to get back into it again. When Ron and I got together, I put a lot of things on hold in order to spend more time with him, and while he's still very important to me, I'm not going to let my art suffer anymore.

I really want to draw.

It's been a long and hectic time in my life. Moved in with my fiancee. The kids, work, and wedding planning have been keeping me on my toes and my art has been seriously neglected. But, now that things have calmed down, I plan to update a lot more.

Have you ever wondered which hurts the most? Saying something and wishing you hadn't? Or saying nothing & wishing you had? I guess the most important things are the hardest things to say. Don't be afraid to tell someone you love them. If you do, they might break your heart.. if you don't, you might break theirs.

Have you ever decided not to become a couple because you were so afraid of losing what you already had with that person? Your heart decides whom it likes and whom it doesn't. You can't tell your heart what to do. It does it on its own when you least suspect it, or even when you don't want it to.

Have you ever wanted to love someone with everything you had, but that other person was too afraid to let you? Too many of us stay walled up because we are too afraid to care too much.. for fear that the other person does not care as much, or even at all. Have you ever denied your feelings for someone because your fear of rejection was too hard to handle?

We tell lies when we are afraid.. afraid of what we don't know, afraid of what others will think, afraid of what will be found out about us. But every time we tell a lie, the thing we fear grows stronger.

Life is all about risks and it requires you to jump. Don't be a person who has to look back and wonder what they would have done, or could have had.

It's so hard to put into words how I feel. I thought I was okay. Not great, but coping. Until last night, when a once close friend, totally called my bluff. So, I was forced to actually sit down and think. Yes, I'm stressed, but who isn't? How is this time any different from any other time? This is part of what I came up with.

I miss my friends. I became close to this girl from home...really close...closer then I thought. Now we're apart and I miss her like crazy. I miss my whole group from Holland actually. But what's more, I miss my group from Ferris too. Adam, Cheski, and I were together all the time. And now that they're in an apartment, I hardly ever see them. And, I miss a certain guy...who was once a constant pressance in my life...for hours every night. The lack of phone calls from this friend kill me. On those rare occasion when we do talk, all we do is fight. I miss the bond we used to have, but I'm not sure how to get it back. I miss a friend from Holland that I lost this summer too.

I had a bit of drama already. A run in with an ex...that scared me a lot more then I'd like to admit. I'm fine, it's just that...I don't know. Seeing him, being in that position again, scared the hell out of me. I finally got out, and I could just see myself being sucked back into it, you know? Suddenly every hurtful thing he said...or did...to me came flashing back, and I was the same weak person that I was when we dated. I hate that he can still do that to me. Even now. Almost three years later.

Wow. Three years later....that means it is also almost three years since Bappa passed on. There's not a day that goes by that I don't still think about him. I miss him so much. And I'm scared....there are still so many unresolved issues regarding him and his death...at least on my end...and I just...I don't know how to deal with them. I don't know....I can't talk to people. They don't understand. I've tried. They all end up telling me the same thing. And damnit, that's not what I need. I need him. I need to know....I think that's where my little ghost hunting expeditions have come into play....I know how stupid it is...I just...I need some kind of connection. I need...one more conversation....I need things I'm never going to be able to get.

I'm back up at Ferris, which is good, but I lack the motivation to do anything. Honestly, I could care less about classes, about graduating, about getting anything done. I don't know why, excatly, it's just the way things have quickly become. I'm already almost considered a nontraditional student, no one knows when I'm going to graduate...so what's the point? Ha. What's the point? That's basically the sentence that's been going through my head for a few weeks now. What's the point in anything? We all have to die at some point, so what does it matter if you were the top in you class? What does it matter if you got some stupid paper done? What does it matter if you understand Algebra? Why bother?

I'm not sleeping. And the lack of sleep is finally starting to catch up with me. I mean, before, I didn't get a lot of sleep, but at least I got some. Now I'm running completely on caffine, and it's not going well at all. I'm also not eating, and that doesn't help either.

I don't know what to do anymore. I feel like I'm not living my life. Like I have no control over anything. Like I'm watching myself do these things that I hate, hurting the people that I care about the most, standing the middle of a crowded room screaming at the top of my lungs and no one bothers to look up. I feel like I'm on the outside looking in.

I give up.

So, yesterday I found out that I got back into Ferris. Finally, a year of busting my ass paid off. I got what I wanted. But, now I'm not sure if it's really what I want anymore. Don't get me wrong. I want to graduate and finish college. That's like, my number one priority. But, I'm not sure that it's what I want anymore. Not Ferris. Not now. Not anymore.

I have an amazing group of friends up there. One that I wouldn't trade for anything in the world. But I have just as amazing group of friends here in town as well. Some of them I'm not ready to leave yet, I'm just getting to know them, and now I'm leaving them. There's something really unfair about that.

I think what it all really broils down to is that I'm scared. Scared to go. I don't want to lose the friends that I have here. And, in the past year, I've grown so much closer to my family...I'm not ready to leave them yet. And, of course, there's the whole people looking up to me thing. What if I go back to Ferris and I fail? Grandma is so proud of me. So is mom. I'll be the first one in our family to graduate from college, and if I blow this, it's not just that I'm letting them down, it's that I'm ruining my life. Because this is more then fun happy play time now. This is my life. And, what's more, I promised Bappa right before he died that I would graduate. If I don't...I let him down too. And I can't do that.

But, at the same time, I'm scared to stay. If I stay, I'm not just letting my family down, I'm letting myself down too. And, I'm limiting myself to a future of "Thank you for shopping at Meijer, Sir" or "Would you like fries with that?" And, I want so much more then that. I have dreams. Hopes. Ambitions. And, I'm scared that...I don't know. I'm just scared.

Holland has always been my comfort zone, but in the past year, it's become even more so. And I'm not ready to leave. I'm not ready to grow up and join the "real world"(god I hate that term) yet. I'm not ready for this.

And on top of it all, now I'm in a relationship(shut up Adam). I'm happy, for the first time in years...and I'm scared that the distance between us will kill the relationship, just like it did when Michael and I were together. Don't get me wrong, a big part of what happened between me and Michael was due to lack of trying on both our parts...but still. And I'm happier, and care more then I did for Michael, so maybe it'll be okay...but I really think, in a way, it'd be easier to stay.